درونی نکردن

توی نی شیرش فوت می‌کرد
یک زن پنجاه‌ و دو ساله
هفت نوه داشت
موهای رنگ نکرده
یک خانه‌ی تمیز و مرتب
شام شب را آماده کرده‌بود
می‌گفت دوست دارم
همیشه خیلی دوست داشتم
حباب‌ها قشنگند

دیدگاه ها . «درونی نکردن»

  2. matne jalebi bood sara jan……..eine hamin vase javoonha ham sedgh mikone……..kheili vaghta shode khode manam bekham karayi bekonam ke bachehaye kochiktar anjam midan. adam bayad khodesh az zendegi lezat bebare bedoone inke bekhad fekr kone ke digaran chi fekr mikonan.in khodesh ye joor azadie andishas.jedan zeshti ro ki tayin mikone? shere sade vali zibayi bood.
    movafagh bashi

  7. انگار د.ستان دیگر برداشتی غیر از من دارند.غلط یا درست منم به خاطر ترسیم خوب شما نظرم را به رویت میرسانم.
    اینکه بعضی اوقات تفکر به خوئی کودکانه آدمی را تمدد اعصاب میدهد و اصولا در مقام بزرگسالی پرداختن به بعضی آداب کودکانه از پیر شدن جلوگیری می کند تفکری درونزا و برونساز است.

  8. bA salAm
    shAyad bardAsht-e man az in ghat’e ziyAd be An-e Sara yA doosetAn-e diegar nazdeek nabAshad valie eybie nadArad ;) let me tell you what I see!
    hobAb: agar az hobAb be donyA va gozar-e omr va nA pAydArie zendegie yAd koniem, mafhoom-e she’r degargoon’e mishavad. ya’nie digar kArhAy-e sAd-e va no’an (== typically) koodakAn-e rA madd-e nazar nakhAheim dAsht balk-e b-e pirezanie minegariem k-e omr-e gozarA rA tey kard-e va shAyad dar entehAy-e rAh ast VALI az in nArAhat niest va bA Aghoosh-e bAz haghighat-e zendegie rA paziroft-e ast va az An lezzat mibard.
    That is for that ;)
    Now, my dear Sara!
    The first 2 lines of your poem reminds me so very much of Shamlou’s:
    tooy-e jAdde ye omram, …
    (I cannot remember it correctly but it is one of his translation from Langston Hughes’ works)
    and the second part reminds me of his translation of Lorca’s:
    pirezan … navegAnash, ….
    (my memory is not helping me, sorry but i am sure you could find it easily if you have the book or a better memory than mine;)
    Now the thing is I think you could do a better job by working a little bit more on the phrases and specially the order of the words to:
    ۱. Get a more harmonious and homogeneous rhythm
    ۲. and to arrange it so some kind of rhyme appears more clearly there
    well, this is no criticism i just love to read nice poems and yours are not only potentially great, but many of them are actually just so and as you know, each piece of poem is like your child, I remember how Al Ahmad described the old man, Nima, and how he had all his children around himself ;) You dont make them and leave them for good, you help them grow and mature.
    Too much said, bA arz-e poozesh.

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